Clik here to view.
—
A light touch from your partner, a look from your loved one — as soon as you think your partner wants sex, you go into freeze mode. If sex is feeling more and more like a chore than a moment of passion, you’re not alone. As a sex therapist, about half of the clients I work with don’t feel like having sex anymore, and their number one question is how to increase sex drive.
My clients want to feel that connection with their partner again.
Want to feel the attraction and heat of the early days.
But perhaps most importantly, they want to get out of the negative sex spiral – where sex is something they avoid – not want.
HOW TO INCREASE SEX DRIVE
If you’re looking to up your libido, there are lots of things you can try.
For some, it’s all about scheduling sex. But for others (especially those who feel pressured to have a more active sex life), this does more harm than good.
Putting sex on the agenda, next to picking up the dry-cleaning, actually increases the pressure and enforces the chore-like feeling.
A better way of decreasing the pressure and increasing your libido, is by enforcing a sex ban.
I know, I know — a sex ban can sound completely counterproductive — because you might not be having a lot of sex as it is anyway.
But what a sex ban does, is remove the pressure that otherwise simmers in the air, between the two of you.
The constant reminder that sex can happen.
The pressure that sex must happen soon.
When you’ve had low libido for some time, anxiety starts to build. Perhaps your partner has voiced their concern, or maybe this is a feeling you’ve been carrying around for a long time.
It’s not uncommon to get nervous or worried when you lose your sex drive. And the pressure you feel, regardless of where it comes from, can lead to all physical intimacy in your relationship feeling stressful.
This, in turn, might mean you start to remove yourself from situations where your partner wants to get close. The minute they want to give you a kiss or a hug, you need to suddenly send an e-mail, do the dishes or tend to the gardening.
Before you know it, you’ve lost all sense of intimacy in your relationship — even though non-sexual closeness never was the culprit, really.
WHAT A SEX BAN IS
A sex ban is a common staple in sex therapy, introduced in the ‘60’s by sex researchers Masters and Johnson. For over 60 years, it’s been part of successfully treating all manner of sexual problems, such as low libido, erectile dysfunction, and pain during sex.
The reason it works is simple. It instantly removes the pressure and stress surrounding sex.
This lowers the expectations on both of you, and you can once again focus on actually enjoying each other. When this happens — sex usually turns into something you actually feel like having again.
A sex ban can be whatever you want it to be.
For example:
- No intercourse, but other forms of sex are permitted
- Making out with your clothes on, but not going any further
- Solo sex, but not touching each other
- Non-sexual massages are ok
Next time you feel the pressure and stress starting to build, sit down and have a conversation about creating a sex ban.
Make it clear to your partner you want your sex life to work — but in order for that to happen, you need to find a way of making sex feel like less of a duty.
A sex ban is the easiest way to accomplish this. And by using the following questions to guide your conversation, you’ll soon be on your way to less anguish and more intimacy.
1. What would you like to have achieved during the sex ban, so that you’ll want to try to have sex again?
For example: being able to be present in the moment or that the pressure I’ve felt to become physically aroused has subsided.
2. How can you achieve the above-mentioned goals?
For example: get better at communicating our feelings to each other, or seeing a sex therapist for help.
3. How can you create (or sustain) shared intimacy in your relationship while not having sex?
For example: do new things together or give each other a massage.
TURNING SEX INTO SOMETHING YOU WANT, IS DO-ABLE
When sex feels stressful instead of pleasurable, it’s normal to feel like you want to avoid it forever. The thing is – when avoidance is a silent, unconscious strategy – it can do long-term damage to your relationship and sex life
By trying out a sex ban you’re essentially doing the same thing – however, both you and your partner are on the same page. This fosters more intimacy and allows you to start from a blank slate, instead of from a stressed-out one.
—
Previously published here and reprinted with the author’s permission.
Photo: Shutterstock
The post The Unlikely Way To Increase Sex Drive appeared first on The Good Men Project.