I have enough experience with infatuation that I could probably write a book about it.
Although, I’d probably lose interest half-way through…
Life has become a never-ending barrage of to-the-point media. From this acclimation to short-form experience, a problem with short-form interest in people begins to stem.
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From ten-second Tik-Toks, to only reading the headline or first paragraph of an article, to quick texts to a friend because you can’t be bothered to have a full-length conversation, our attention spans in recent years has tanked.
I’m not going to go on a rant about how we should all set aside our technologies and learn to slow our minds down, but there does seem to be a parallel between the “what’s next” attitude of our generation and the way we treat the potential for a connection with someone new.
My knack for succumbing to short-form experience, in all forms, has a bad tendency to seep into a short-form passion for people as well.
The ways in which we operate in the modern world doesn’t do help much when you want a real emotion for a person to stick around.
I try to be of the mind that there are good and bad sides to any emotion.
It can be hard to think like this, especially when you bring up feelings like jealousy, resentment, grief, envy, insecurity, or anything else on the spectrum of all things “bad”, but within every negative there is a pinprick of positive hiding somewhere.
It’s easy to think that infatuation can be a toxic trait (perhaps not the most poisonous of passions, but still unhealthy in large doses).
Infatuation is essentially a condensed obsession. It’s a charming hypnotism that locks our eyes onto an idea of something or someone and inflates our sense of permanence to think that what we’re feeling will last forever.
This isn’t to be confused with romanticizing a person.
That’s something you do from the outside looking in. You see a person, form an idea about who they are or how you might get along with them, and you run with that idea until it convinces you that it must be, or could be, real.
Instead, infatuation is more about the intense feelings the person actually makes you feel, and not the simulated alternate realities you’ve constructed about them.
Mostly Harmless
While romanticizing people and relationships is in our nature and is something we all do to an extent, it’s mostly harmless.
We’ve all imagined ourselves with people we’re interested in, having perfect conversations, picture-worthy experiences, and getting the exact reactions from them that our hopelessly romantic egos want so badly.
It’s not a bad thing to let our imaginations run a little wild from time to time, we just can’t get too caught up in the fantasy. Romanticizing people isn’t a great thing to do, but it does allow us to envision different situations and conversations to play out in our mind, preparing us for what could be possible or maybe what’s right around the corner.
Not the best habit to have, but properly managed can help you become more thoughtful and forward-thinking when it comes to actually trying to make your fantasies about a person become a reality.
Infatuation, on the other hand, is a bit different. Because of its short-lived nature, it’s hard to see what kind of benefit there is in temporarily letting your reason run off while your passion stays high on the drug of a person’s temporary presence in your life.
Becoming aware of your heightened emotion is key.
If you can see yourself becoming overly interested in a person, you should take a step back to try to work out exactly what it is you’re actually obsessing over.
Is it really them as a person?
Do you even know them that well?
Are you simply just really attracted to them?
Maybe they just have a handful of traits you want in a partner and so you feel obligated to make yourself care for them.
Maybe you’re scared that you won’t find anyone else that ticks that many boxes on your checklist of perfect qualities and so you let your emotions springboard out of your head and project them onto this person.
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I say that because this exact thing happened to me recently. I met someone who had nearly everything I was looking for in a love interest.
Since the majority of my personal preference boxes were checked, I disregarded all the things about them I might not like and felt it was my duty to pursue them.
I was infatuated with them.
I also romanticized the hell out of who I thought this person was. Enough time went by and the reality of who they were started to set in.
Not that there was anything wrong with them, there really isn’t, but I realized that my short-lived obsession with this person was just that, short-lived. I began to realize that it wasn’t them as a person I cared about, but the infatuation with some elusive perfection that threw gasoline on the fire of my interest.
When thinking about what benefits any of this has to offer it can be a bit difficult, but I’m nothing if not an emotional investigator…
To me, I try to see my tendency to fall into infatuation as proof that I have the potential to care deeply for a person. I understand that these deep feelings can be fleeting, but now I’m able to recognize when these sorts of passions arise and set them aside for a time when they’ll really matter.
Just because your capacity to love someone is always being tested with the “next new thing” doesn’t mean it has to diminish the quality of that love. Not if you don’t let it.
Understanding your own infatuations with people and the real reasons behind your obsessions helps you in fine-tuning your real interests by continually showing you what you don’t actually like and what you should be focusing on instead.
Being aware of your tendency to jump to passion over a person will slowly start to show you just what it is you’re really looking for and how you may be able to spot it in the future.
So, how can we distinguish whether we actually care for a person, or if we’re just infatuated with them?
Well, seeing as how I’m as much of a student in this area as anyone, I’ll ask the question while also raising my hand to answer.
In my opinion, time will be your best judge. Because infatuation has a short shelf-life, let the feelings linger a while to test their longevity. Also, pay attention to the kinds of traits you’re noticing about the person.
Is it strictly physical attraction? Their mannerisms?
Are you just at a point in your life where you want to settle and you’re willing to forgo preferences for anyone that will give you attention?
I’d say that’s all pretty common, but as long as we can do our due diligence by understanding ourselves, who we are and what we really want, we’ll be much better off.
We’ll be much more likely to use the heated passions of fiery infatuation as a learning experience in why we’re so magnetized to certain things instead of letting these feelings cloud our judgment and torture the wannabe romantic within us.
Think about this the next time you’re fantasizing about the new hire at your job and already naming your kids…
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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